Dear 18 year old me,
It was just your birthday and your dad canceled your party (your first social event ever, or at least the first you’ve ever been excited for) only because you didn’t want to change your outfit into something more “formal” (more “girly”, actually). This blows, I know, but don’t worry, you’ll only have to put up with that shit for seven more years. Those years (plus a couple more) will be the hardest of your life (so far).
News flash, you are in love with your best friend. Or at least you have the biggest crush on her. Yes, I’m talking about another girl. YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH A GIRL. Anyways, don’t panic. Or maybe you should panic a little. I know I (you) cannot change the past, but I can tell you not to be afraid. You will be dealing with a lot of shit for the next ten years. You’ll want to stop living because being gay and Christian is just too fucking much to handle. You’ll feel increasingly disappointed on your folks and your bro, but you’ll learn to love them for who they really are and stop expecting what they cannot give you. You’ll “fall in love” far too many times (with girls, of course) and “they” will break your heart. I wrote those two things in quotation marks because, most of the times, it won’t be really love, but infatuation and a craving for the attention you didn’t get as a child; because you will also realize that, most of the times, it was you who threw your poor, delicate little heart against a brick wall. Except in the case of Jazmin, that bitch really broke your heart.
You will also experience several crisis of faith. You’re kind of going through one right now, but trust me, it’ll get you closer to God than ever. Just don’t forget that HE LOVES YOU, HE CREATED YOU AS YOU ARE, and right now everything tells me He will be proud if you just embrace who you are and offer that to Him.
Don’t be afraid, Tay (yeah, that’s your nickname now). When you’re older you’ll regret more not having done a bunch of things than having done a few of them. That sure reads like a tongue-twister, I know. The thing is, you’re always afraid of doing things you want, things you need, things that make you feel complete, for fear of being rejected, of failing, of getting a “no”… Tay, people love who they love, and if you lose their love because you didn’t do what they wanted, because you’re not who they want you to be, then they don’t really love you. Your parents do love you, by the way, they’re just a little messed up as we all are and so they don’t know how to show you that love the way you need it or the way you’d like it.
Also, you are cool, so cool, and talented (for writing and for sports, so don’t ever quit any of those things), and you’re beautiful and funny. Don’t stop yourself from doing something just because you think you’re not any of that. How come I know this now? Well, in seven years you’ll sink into the worst depression ever, you’ll seek help, and you’ll find an awesome, sexy, intelligent therapist (a woman with the most beautiful legs you’ve seen), and she’ll help you sort all your shit out, becoming a great friend along the way.
If indeed I could save you from a few things, here’s a list worth considering:
Stop thinking being gay is a sin.
Don’t believe all they say in church. Specially in THAT church you’re attending now.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT FUCK that bipolar ex-girlfriend of yours on December 2007.
Say yes to Jazmín. From day one, say yes, and don’t hold back. Stay true to yourself so you can love her the way you both deserve it. She’s not a mistake, she’s not a sin; she loves you, you love her, and that’s all you need to know. (Ok, she’ll break your heart, but whatever).
Careful when you cash your checks in that bank in downtown; they will mug you.
Keep training TaeKwonDo. You’ll appreciate you didn’t quit by the time you hit 30 and it doesn’t kill you to fight for two and a half minutes straight and you can raise your kicks higher than your opponents waist.
WRITE! You are talented. Write.
I believe that’s about it. Now, perhaps you’re wondering why I’m using a tyoing machine. Nah, you’re not wondering why (because you know we love old things), you’re wondering how I got it. You’ll have a girlfriend named Andrea, and she’ll give it to you as a gift for your 29th birthday. One thing about her: she’s awesome, but she won’t stick around for long. Don’t sweat it. You did all you could’ve done.
There’s not much more to say. I could continue telling you not to do this or that, not to date so and so, but really all you’ve done has helped you grow and get to know who you really area and how much you’re worth. I don’t know if there could have been any other way to learn what you’ve learned. I don’t know if you’d be this woman without all the pain. I only know you have to stop being afraid. Ok, there’s a little more: Relax, girl! If you keep stressing like that, if you keep holding back like that and judging yourself like that, the day will arrive when you don’t know what it is to live without a back and neck pain. Now that’s it.
Much love,
Your 29yo self.
P.S. We really are hot and we’re about to get our second tattoo.
